TRUSTING YOURSELF TO BE A GOOD PARENT!

Being a parent is the toughest thing in the world. And as my children grow older I realise it gets tougher each day with promise of even tougher times ahead. When they were babies, completely dependent on us, their parents, physically and emotionally, I couldn't wait for them to grow up.

But as my parents ( of a 45 and 44 year old) have realised over the years parenting and its responsibilities never ever come to an end.

As a parent my primary responsibility is to teach them the ways of life, teach them how to be safe, teach them to be street smart in today's world, and teach them how to look after themselves, to be independent and to be responsible humans.

As a parent another thing I have had to do is to question myself constantly. Am I setting the correct example? Am I passing on good values and principles to them, which well let's face it are different for each of us? Am I able to answer all their questions satisfactorily and clear all their doubts? Am I able to facilitate their learning so that they grow up to be better humans than their own parents? Am I teaching them to be empathetic and kind individuals? Will they end up paying for my mistakes? Will they grow up free of baggage and fears that could keep them chained to their and our imperfections?

                                 

So many questions with no black and white answers. My younger son who is 10 is an extremely expressive child who is not only talkative but questions everything at home and in school much to the consternation of his teachers. While playing treasure hunt at school when the teacher asked the groups a question his group was the first to answer. But the teacher didn't accept the answer. The question was simple - which craft carries people underwater? The answer was as simple as the question - a Submarine. Now logically they got the answer right but not according to the teacher who wanted a specific name of a specific Submarine. But the question wasn't clear. So, as usual my son, impulsive as he always is, questioned the teacher. The teacher didn't take it too well and he came back home confused and dejected. He couldn't understand why their answer was wrong and why questioning the teacher was wrong.

Stumped by his logic I didn't know what to tell him. Was he wrong in expressing his doubts? Was he not permitted to voice his queries? It took me some time to consider his questions and misgivings. I needed to tell him to strike a balance between being too expressive and maintaining silence. I did just that. You can speak up and ask questions, but there's a way to go about it, I advised him. I told him never to be impolite, never to interrupt his teacher and if his question was not answered to his satisfaction, to let it go. He was free to ask us at home as many questions as many times as he wanted.

                            

                                

But therein lies the duplicity. The child is confused. Isn't the school a safe place, an environment which should let each child thrive, free from pressures of the so called real world? I too remain confused. We have been advising him to be less impulsive and to not question his teachers and/or elders every time he feels they are in the wrong. What if we are muffling him?  He may just end up keeping it all bottled up like my 16 year old, who like every teenager is struggling with significant personal issues, some real, most created. 

But what happens if he doesn't learn to gauge the situation before jumping in to his own detriment?

As a parent I want to be with them every second of the day, protecting them, answering their questions, supporting them, loving them but alas I can't and I shouldn't for there are lessons they need to learn on their own. They need to be stronger and learn to be happy without letting little things affecting them.

As a human I am a bundle of contradictions and as a parent I am even more so. I want to protect them but want them to be independent, I want them to not worry too much about grades in school but also push them to excel, I want them to express themselves freely but I don't want them to be so expressive that people misunderstand them, I tell them not to get bogged down by people who lower their self esteem but worry about the same thing myself, I  want them to be street smart but never lose their innocence, I want them to speak the truth always but tell them it's ok not to depending on the circumstances, I tell them medals don't really matter, it's participation that counts but gush when they win the smallest of competitions, I tell them TV and screen time is not too good for them but do nothing to wean myself off the same stuff...but then that's the nature of parenting I suppose.

                             

We want them to be better than us and not make the same mistakes we have made. But most of all for my husband and me, what's most important is that they are happy and loved, healthy and have peace of mind.