Being a bully is not a good look!

So, my son is getting bullied in school. And like many concerned parents my husband and I stressed about it endlessly.

What affected us most was seeing him come home unhappy and anxious every day. 

What was really happening in the class that all he talked about as soon as he stepped off the bus was how so and so was hitting him, so and so was pinching him in the bottom, so and so was taking away his stationery, breaking it, throwing it away, and so and so was teasing him. What broke my heart was the fact that he said he had no best friend, no one to talk to in class.

Why Mama why, he asks me daily and why oh why I ask myself everyday seeing him struggle to fit in, to be a part of the popular group who refuse to include him in their shenanigans. 

I don't do anything to provoke them he says when I question him if inadvertently he has done something to alienate this "popular" group of boys. I just want to play with them but they don't let me. Everyone thinks they are cool Mama. 

But are they? Most bullies are bullies because they love the power and "cool tag" it gets them. But without going into the many reasons of bullying and its consequences let me proceed with what happened at home. 

Unfortunately, in the beginning, instead of listening to him without passing any judgements I fell into the pit many parents fall into. “What did you do that made them tease you?”  Why make the assumption that he has done something to bring on the teasing. Teasing isn’t always logical, and for him it doesn’t matter why—it just matters that it’s happening.

The next logical step was to speak to his home room teacher and we did just that. According to her he loved mixing around with everyone, boys and girls, but there were occasions when he would get into scuffles with a certain group of four boys who were extremely close to each other and didn't want to include anyone else in their group and would do anything to keep others out. The more they pushed the more others wanted in including our son. 

When asked why he liked or wanted to be closer to them he said, "If I am their friend they wouldn't tease me or hit me, isn't it?" I had no answer to that.

To cut the long story short it was obvious he was feeling left out and sidelined. We spoke to him at length and told him to ignore the teasing and stay out of harms way but still it carried on. 

It was then that my husband and I decided that it was time to give him the tools to handle the bullies on his own, to be strong and not let the foolishness of a select few affect him. 

What he needed was to learn to avoid the bullies instead of fighting back, not give into their lust for power by not getting upset by their bullying behaviour and by ignoring them. And most importantly talking to us and his teachers about what he was going through. 

Things have become better since he started doing just that and he is happier mixing with other students who are kinder, friendlier and calmer. 

For these are lessons he will need to remember every step of the way - all his life.

Because there will always be bullies even when he grows up. The 9 year old bullies will grow up to be 20 year old bullies and then 40 year old bullies...they will be everywhere. Bosses, colleagues, family members, neighbours, clients, and even friends. They will always be there. They will push you, gossip about you, put insane demands on you, ignore you to make sure you are not part of their happy popular groups, spread rumours about you, call you rude and arrogant if you stay away from them and hate you and denounce you if you stand upto them.

And the bullying will continue, never to end until the day you put a stop to it. No, not by hitting back or lashing out but by taking away the power you have given them to hurt you verbally and physically. It's all the same for children and adults.

As far as our 9 year old is concerned, we tell him everyday to take up the challenge of controlling his actions and his feelings in the face of relentless teasing and other forms of bullying. You can't control other people's actions, we tell him but you can stay true to yourself. Think about ways to feel your best — and your strongest. 

We are also equipping him with coping strategies which make him feel good about himself and raises his confidence by honing his skills in swimming(he is really good at it), chess (he loves it), music, computers, and reading and writing. Thankfully his teacher has joined hands with us by encouraging him in class and supporting him. She even made him the library monitor to help him feel better telling him she expects a lot from him because he reads a lot. He on his part has taken up his responsibilities beautifully which has helped him avert his mind from all the balderdash going on around him.

As a family we have decided not to let bullying dominate our lives. As a collective we have resolved to learn to not get pushed around or get manipulated but also to deal with it tactfully and circumspectly maintaining a level head by being respectful but firm. You can't change others bullies or otherwise but we sure can change our reaction to them.