Love Story
He loved her and she loved him
His kisses sucked out her whole past and future or tried to
He had no other appetite
She bit him she gnawed him she sucked
She wanted him complete inside her
Safe and Sure forever and ever
Their little cries fluttered into the curtains
–Ted Hughes, Crow, 1972
She had no one except him but she
wasn’t lonely. She didn’t need anyone else. Her dad was the only one she wanted in
her life. Her teachers at school looked at her with worry in their eyes wondering
why she wasn’t like the other kids in her class. Talkative, boisterous, lively,
playful, she was not. The teachers knew her as a quiet, mature, soft spoken
girl who did exceptionally well in her studies. But they couldn’t help but
sense a quiet sadness in her. There was a calm deadness in her eyes which no
one could decipher. She didn’t talk to anyone, she didn’t have any friends, she
just paid rapt attention to the teachers when they were teaching, made notes
and did what she was told to do.
She was unlike most teenagers but
she was still a child inside. She needed protection, security and a haven where
she felt safe and secure. It was home after all. Her mother had died 2 years
back of cancer. So, she only had her dad. He had loved her mother too, she knew
that but now he loved her just like he had loved her mother. He was everything
to her.
I love my dad, what will I do
without him, I have no one else. She thought to herself as she walked home back
from school. She had a lot of work to do
at home. She had to clean the house, wash the dishes, cook for the both of them
and then get ready. Reaching home she put down her bag and started her daily
chores. She was just 13 but the daily chores were not a hardship for her, she
wanted to do them because it made him happy. If things were not to his liking
he would get angry with her and even hit her. But that was her fault, she knew
what and how he liked things, so it was her responsibility to work hard and do
things his way.
Once she was done, she took a
shower with the shower gel her dad had newly bought for her. He had read about
it in some magazine somewhere, about how a shower gel was better than soap and
made the skin so soft, tender and smooth, so she used it every night, it had a
beautiful fragrance too.
She came out of the shower and
got dressed in her nightie. He would be here anytime now. He was a workaholic
and spent a lot of time at the office. She then went to lay the table for him.
She had already eaten. He had told her he didn’t want her to wait up for him
and remain hungry. She smiled. He was so good to her.
Well as usual the table looked
beautiful with her dad’s favourite crockery, cutlery, fresh flowers and the
food that he liked. She took a final glance at the house to make sure
everything was perfect and then went to her room. She took off the covers from
the bed and folded them neatly and kept them in the almirah. He didn’t like
clutter. Then she took off her nightie and naked she got into bed with just the
quilt over her, waiting for him to come home …to her room…to her bed…to her…
Some facts about sexual abuse
One of the most shocking and reprehensible experiences is to be
sexually abused by someone who was ordained by God and society to protect you.
Some parents have used their authority to force, trick or coerce their
children into having sex with them. Although the girl child has suffered a
great deal, it is important to note that the boy child suffers too.
When the child’s physical boundaries are violated, his or her mind is
also violated. The insidious nature of the mental abuse can be explained by
using the analogy of the reactions of a deer when its eyes are exposed to the
headlights of an oncoming car. The deer becomes so disoriented by the blinding
light that it jumps toward the car instead of away from it–so it is with the
child who has been sexually abused. Once abused, the child believes his or her
body is something that others control.
Such incidents are reported in the media, but few really believe they
are true. In March 2005, a case of a businessman was jailed for raping and
making his daughter pregnant. He started having sex with her when she was nine
years of age, and continued until she was 22 when she escaped from home.
Some father-child defilement cases registered are because of family
breakdown. “They are common among
single parents, where a mother leaves a child in her father’s care for a long
time,” a psychologist says, adding that this kind of abuse has increased due to
moral degeneration. “It is happening and sometimes by the least expected, smart
and much respected people in society,” he said.
Generally, something will happen and the father will become extremely
stressed. He will then be drawn to his
daughter, the only one he believes loves him, and he will sexually offend
against her. After this first incident,
he will be disgusted with what he has done and swear to himself he will never
do it again. Sexually offending is a way
he releases the stress he was under but then when he realizes what he has done
his stress level increases again because he has to deal with what he has
done. The stress continues to build and
build and then he ends up offending again.
This cycle continues.
The father has maladaptive ways of coping with stress and his
boundaries are blurred. Often alcohol
can also blur boundaries; often when he offends the second time and so on, he
will have a drink of alcohol. Most
offenders are not really drunk when then offend, however, they drink enough so
it can be used as an excuse. The father
may drink more after the abuse as a way of coping with the fact he has sexually
offended again.
Once the father has offended against his daughter he will work very
hard a creating a relationship with the victim to try to ensure she doesn’t
tell. He will work at continuing to
distance the relationship between the daughter and everyone else.
The father may use verbal or physical threats to get the victim to keep
the secret or he may make promises of buying her things or taking her on
holidays etc.
You also need to educate your child (age appropriately) about sexual abuse. Here are some of the warning signs that
sexual abuse may be happening. Now
please note these are just common indicators, just because there may be signs
showing through doesn’t mean sexual abuse is happening. In the same way, sexual abuse may be
happening without any of the warning signs.
Physical Signs
- Difficulty sitting or walking
- Torn, stained, or bloody underwear
- Genital/anal itching, pain, swelling, or burning
- Genital/anal bruises or bleeding
- Frequent urinary tract or yeast infections
- Pain while urinating
- Sexual Transmitted Disease
- Pregnancy
- Chronic unexplained sore throats
- Loss of appetite
- Weight loss/gain
- Frequent stomach aches
- Frequent headaches
Behavioural Signs
- Frequently tired
- Bedwetting
- Nightmares
- Depression
- Irritability
- Anger
- Low self-esteem
- Guilt
- Avoidance of people
- Sexual advances or inappropriate touching
- Sexual drawings
If you suspect sexual abuse, seek help immediately, do not wait.
Sad and sorry state of affairs.
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